It’s OK to Just Let It Happen

Last night (Thursday) I was worn out. My week went like this:
     Sunday – cleaning, homework, planning, mom stuff
     Monday – work, study, mom stuff, clean up, final
     Tuesday – work, cook dinner, mom stuff, clean up, final
     Wednesday – work, eat, phone calls, clean up, mom stuff, fold laundry
     Thursday – work, emailing teachers, calling doctors, mom stuff, event at the kid’s school, scouts
By 9pm last night I was done and out of me to give. It was a long week, and I’d had a bad day at work.

I decided to take a bath and try to relax. What I got instead was those first rumblings of a panic attack; my chest was tight, my jaw was tight, I had racing thoughts, and the tears started to well up. I was too tired to fight it and try to make the panic stop. So, I just let it happen. I knew that if I fought it I might not win and I would still have the panic attack or I could let go, ride it out, and go to bed. It sucked, panic attacks always suck, but I knew I’d make it out the other side. After it was over and I was calm, I went and woke my partner up and asked him to snuggle with me and I fell asleep.

Here it is Friday, and I feel a little lighter, a little less gross from the past several days. I feel like I did a brave thing by letting myself feel what I was feeling and get some stuff out. We don’t have to keep it all in and spend all our time fighting and avoiding dealing with the way we feel. That pressure builds up and it’s going to have to come out eventually.

s.m.